


strangers, again

by thir13enth



Series: shiro.exe [5]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst mostly, F/M, clone theory implied, hurt and no comfort, or some form of 'shiro isn't right' theory lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2019-04-18 04:34:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14205174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thir13enth/pseuds/thir13enth
Summary: He doesn't trust Lotor; but maybe he trusts himself even less.





	strangers, again

**Author's Note:**

> honestly i don't know what came over me, but here, a fic.

Behind him:

“Goodnight, Princess.”

“Goodnight, Lotor.”

Shiro can’t see a thing, but he can definitely _hear_ Allura and Lotor behind him, standing maybe a little too close to each other for his own comfort. He resists looking up to the right corner of the window, where angle of the ship bridge’s light makes it just so that he can look up and see them in the reflection of the window. But he keeps his eyes to the stars.

“Rest well,” Lotor says. Shiro can just hear the soft smile on Lotor’s mouth and the adoring gaze he offers Allura. He can just imagine the way Lotor’s hand lingers under Allura’s fingertips, and he can just feel Lotor pondering whether to kiss the back of her hand or to make a braver advance.

Worse, he can just imagine Allura’s starry-eyed stare and light magenta glow on her cheeks. Her bated breath and her racing heart, and she’s wondering if tonight is the night she would confess her deep-seated feelings.

Shiro takes a long inhale and closes his eyes tight. He holds his breath and listens as closely as he can, for any rustle of clothing or any soft sound of lips on skin, but there is just silence, but he can’t tell if he just missed any sounds because of the boiling mess of emotions within him and of all that _chatter_ that is in his brain.

Were his thoughts always this cluttered?

“You too,” she replies.

Silence for a long time. Shiro loses his train of thought. A few seconds have elapsed, and he hears some sets of footsteps, but he can’t tell where either Allura or Lotor are because he hasn’t been able to keep track.

They’re always so quiet around him. It makes Shiro nervous because he can only imagine what might happen between the two of them when he’s not in the same room.

Something happened in those short vargas while Allura and Lotor went to Oriande. Together. Alone. It was more than just finding the White Lion, more than just discovering that perhaps the two of them had more in common than they initially thought — something changed in the way they interacted with other, and Shiro does not like it at all.

He can’t tell if it’s just because he can’t help but not trust Lotor, with his past history of conniving tricks and his direct connection to the Galra, or if he’s more upset that the Princess is getting close to someone _else_ — closer than Shiro has ever even dared to be.

“Shiro?” her voice asks, suddenly behind him.

He snaps open his eyes. “Princess,” he replies.

She gives him a soft smile. “How are you? Are you winding down for the night?”

“Yeah,” he tells her, mumbling a little bit. “I’m just… thinking a little bit.”

“Alright,” she says. She looks at him for a moment, as if to try to catch his eye, but he doesn’t let her. He doesn’t know why he does this. He wants to talk to her but maybe he’s afraid he’s not ready with the right words. She chases his eyes for a little, but then finally thinks that maybe he doesn’t want to make any further dialogue. “Well, goodnight then, Shiro,” she tells him.

“You too, Princess,” he automatically says.

And then she bids him a goodnight with a short nod of her head and turns to walk away and he can’t get it in himself to say anything as she swivels around but at the last possible moment, he turns and catches her wrist.

“Wait, I…” and he falters because all he knows is that he _wants_ to say something but he has no idea _how_ to say it. It will be completely unrehearsed and unplanned.

She blinks at him a couple times. “Yes?”

And the way she says this makes it sound like she’s been waiting for him to say something for a very long time. He’s never picked up on that — but he’s been so distracted lately he hasn’t been able to have anyone but himself in his mind.

What should he say? How can he say it?

“I just think…” he struggles.

Allura nods. “Yes?” she softly encourages him to continue.

“Be careful,” he finally gets out.

Allura knows him better than what he won’t say, and she takes a breath in and settles herself in for a conversation, folding her arms together and turning completely towards him.

“What is this about?” she asks him.

He shakes his head. “Just, nothing,” he stumbles over his tongue. “Just be careful, in general.” Then he meets her inquiring eyes and then confesses. “I’m worried about Lotor. I know he’s proven himself time and again, but I can’t help but not trust him.”

Allura blinks and takes a breath. “Yes, I know,” she replies. “It’s not like I’m completely relying on him. I haven’t let my guard down.” She pauses and hesitates. “But I think he’s good at heart,” she continues. “He knows so much, you know? And he asks so many questions. He’s not simpleminded.”

“Exactly. I can’t tell if he has ulterior motives,” Shiro explains. “Even if they’re for the good of the universe, he’s not being straightforward with us.”

She considers his words a moment. “We’ll just take it as it comes,” she concludes. She leans forward a little, lowering to a whisper. “You can’t deny that _so_ much opportunity has come out of an alliance with him. And I feel like we’re still at a point where we can get ourselves out of a bad situation if and when it comes. There’s still— “

“Not if your feelings are in the way,” Shiro suddenly interrupts, unable to hear any further.

Allura furrows her eyebrows. “What are you talking about?”

“Sorry,” he immediately apologizes, realizing he snapped. He revises quickly in his head. “I’m worried he’s trying to manipulate us.” He clarifies. “You, in particular.”

“Me, in particular?”

“Yes, _you,_ in particular. He keeps reminding you that he’s half-Altean and he’s sending you around the galaxy unlocking Altea’s most ancient secrets? All the meanwhile he’s fulfilling all his objectives and we haven’t gotten any closer to resolving any of the problems we first came in with. That doesn’t ring any alarm bells to you?”

“Finding Oriande was incredibly important to me,” she returns, taken aback. “I can’t explain what has changed since I’ve come out of the White Hole, but I have a feeling we’ve found the answers to questions we haven’t even asked yet.”

“I’m not saying what he’s given us is insignificant. I know finding the birthplace of Altean alchemy was something we’d never be able to do without him, but I don’t know if this all really is going to help us more than it’s going to help him.”

She frowns. “Well, given I was the only one that actually got through to the White Lion, I think you can be assured that Lotor hasn’t received as much of the benefit from that endeavor as I have.”

“Yes, but he can still _use_ you.”

“I’m certain I know the difference between doing favors and performing demands,” Allura retorts. “I won’t let him get the better of me.”

“At that point, Lotor won’t give you any other choice,” he mutters, a growl at the edge of his voice.

Allura’s eyebrows furrow. “And you, it seems. What’s _your_ problem with Lotor?” she asks sharply.

“Nothing!”

“It’s not like he’s done anything to you—"

“No, but he’s gotten so _close_ to you—"

“And so what? That’s just means that _I’m_ dealing with Lotor, not—"

“I love you, Allura,” he blurts loudly, before his voice falls back. “I still do.”

Allura’s eyes widen momentarily, but she looks down to compose herself. She swallows slowly.

“You know we can’t do that anymore,” she reminds him, her voice dropping to a whisper. “Remember?” Her eyes flicker back up to meet his. “We both agreed we couldn’t afford a relationship, and that it was better for the team if we didn’t.” She pauses, thinking to herself for a moment. “And I guess you were right, after all,” she continues, gesturing in his direction. “It was probably better we broke it off then. It would have hurt more to do it now.”

Shiro falters a bit. “Wait, what?” he asks. “What do you mean?”

Allura rubs her hand over the lower part of her face, hiding a frown. “I don’t…” Her voice cracks. She tries again. “I don’t know,” she admits, shaking her head and turning away.

His heart sinks. “Allura,” he replies, reaching out for her. “I—” But then he stops, noticing that his hand automatically went to touch her shoulder, and he doesn’t know if it should be there. He retracts and holds his hand in the other. “What happened?”

“Nothing,” she immediately answers, turning herself back around to face him. “At least not to me.” Her eyes slowly look back to him, but she can’t hold eye contact and she breaks it again.

It’s just long enough for him to see the glaze over her eyes.

“I don’t know,” she revises. “I can’t tell if maybe it’s just all the stress or the missions or the uncertainty, but I feel like something’s changed.”

“Between us?”

“Yes.”

He looks at her for a moment, watching her play with the tips of her fingers. The silence is so empty he can start to hear the scratching and the buzzing at the edge of his brain.

“I feel like…” she continues softly. “…like I don’t know you anymore. Or maybe, this is how you’ve always been, and when we first met, war was more straightforward and still seemed like the right thing to do, so we didn’t realize how numb it would make us.”

He feels a hard knot form in his throat. He opens and closes his mouth several times, debating what to say until he stumbles upon what feels right.

“Do you feel like I’ve… changed?”

She looks up from the floor, locking eyes with him. “Yes,” she replies.

And here, the rustling in his brain grows louder. He thinks he can make out whispers, but he shakes them out before he starts to try to decipher them.

“Why didn’t you tell me I wasn’t acting myself?” he asks her, softly. “You know you can tell me these things. I thought we were closer than that.”

She averts her eyes. “I don’t know. Something changed, and I didn’t want to stand in your way. And you were gone a long time.” She presses her lips together, furrowing her eyebrows. “I didn’t know if your feelings changed since then.”

“No, _never_ ,” he says, shaking his head. “I know we agreed to not be together, but I want to be as close to that as I possibly can with you. I still love you, Allura, I still—"

“Listen, Shiro,” she tells him, interrupting. She reaches forward and clasps his hands between hers. “You mean a lot to me. You’re important to me. And nothing is ever going to change that.”

Ordinarily hearing those words would make his heart beat fast like a bird’s wings and glow with a thousand suns, but right now, her words are a rejection.

And maybe it’s because she hasn’t said ‘I love you’ back or maybe because deep inside of him he knows he’s not the same person now as when he loved her back then, but whatever the reason, his heart sits cold in his chest, as cold as the metal that makes his arm — and he worries if he is becoming machine.

“I don’t know what’s been going on, but I know we have a lot to catch up on,” she continues. “We still haven’t talked about what happened while you were gone, and I feel like there’s a lot that I don’t understand you right now because I don’t know what happened.

“And I know why. Everything’s been so hectic and so much has changed. There’s enough to talk about to last several conversations.” She gives him a small smile. “But I hope that when you’re ready, you’ll come to me first, and we’ll make up for that lost time together.”

Shiro swallows, nodding.

“And I’ll heed your advice,” she adds. “I won’t let Lotor take advantage of me.”

He nods again.

She offers him another warm smile, and then lifts his hands up and presses her lips over his knuckles, as if making her kiss both wish and promise.

“I love you, Shiro,” she says then. “I always will.”

And it’s then when his heart breaks — when he realizes that it’s not right for her to love him when he is the way he is now, that it’s not right for her to continue hoping one day the Shiro she fell in love with in the first place is going to come back.

“Goodnight,” she says.

“Goodnight, Princess,” he chokes out.

She gives him one last smile, and he watches her as she leaves the bridge, the sound of her steps slowly fading away until all he is left with are the incomprehensible mutters and the incessant whirring echoing in the space between his ears.

He holds his head in his hands, squeezing his skull so hard that for a moment everything goes black and everything goes quiet, but once he opens his eyes, all of it returns.

He hates everything about himself. He hates that he’s not himself and he hates he is still existing as if he is. He wants to strip every part of himself away. Rip every bit of flesh and bone and metal off until his true self emerges from the shit and the rubble that has become him.

But he doesn’t. He silently goes to his quarters and spends the rest of the night alone with the writhing noises inside of his head.

He doesn’t because he’s afraid that if he tries, he’ll find none of himself left inside.

**Author's Note:**

> you know where to find me:  
> @ahumanintraining (tumblr)  
> @napsbeforesleep (twitter)


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